Clinical Case: Woman
Experiencing Public Belittlement and Criticism
Nancy, an administrative assistant in a private financial
services company, called indicating that she was having difficulty
with her
manager. Nancy reported that her manager was making critical
comments to her in front of colleagues that she experienced
as belittling
and upsetting. She indicated that she had thought about resigning,
but liked the position. As the single parent of two teenagers,
Nancy
felt reluctant to give up the financial security that this
position afforded her family. She indicated a willingness
to explore her
feelings about this situation further and booked an appointment.
Step 1: Confronting the person exhibiting the unwanted behavior
directly in an assertive and responsible manner regarding
stopping the
behavior.
In Step 1, the person experiencing the unwanted behavior
communicates directly in an assertive, responsible manner
about wanting the
unwanted behavior to stop. Often the person exhibiting the
unwanted behavior is unaware that the other person is feeling
distressed by
this behavior. Communicating in a responsible manner not
only informs the person exhibiting the unwanted behavior
of this, but also
increases the likelihood that this person will respond in
a positive manner by stopping the unwanted behavior rather
than becoming
defensive. Often an assertive, responsible discussion will
be sufficient to resolve the problem. As the clinical case
that follows
illustrates, considerable work is often necessary to prepare
the person experiencing the unwanted behavior to not only
feel strong
enough to confront the other party directly, but also to
know how to do this in an assertive, responsible manner.In
the first session, Nancy explained that the problem with
her manager had started about one year previously, while
she was being
trained in her new position. She noticed that her manager
would make comments that she experienced as critical and
belittling that could
be heard by colleagues. The manager would make statements
such as: "You did this wrong again .... How many times
do I have to tell you
.... What's taking you so long." Nancy thought that
these comments would stop once she had completed her training
and probationary
period, but they did not. Her manager continued to make comments
publicly that she experienced as belittling about her performance,
leaving her feeling embarrassed and self-conscious. Although
Nancy thought of herself as a good employee, she had started
to doubt
herself at work. The more she doubted herself, the more mistakes
she made. The more mistakes she made, the more she doubted
herself. In
an effort to make fewer mistakes, she had started to double
check all her work. She was aware that she was being less
productive as a
result, which left her feeling more anxious. She reported
feeling constantly on edge at work, dreading the next time
she felt belittled
publicly. Recently, she had noticed that she was having a
hard time motivating herself to go to work. On several occasions,
she had
called in sick because she couldn't face another incident.
By the time Nancy came to see me, she was feeling demoralized
and inadequate.
I suggested that it wasn't surprising that Nancy was feeling
this way, given what was happening at work. Nancy seemed
relieved to hear
that her response was understandable and valid.
When I asked Nancy what if anything she had said to her
manager about these comments, Nancy stated that she had said
nothing, largely
because she was afraid of being seen as insubordinate and
too sensitive. Although Nancy did not like the critical comments,
there was a
part of her that believed she deserved these comments and
that she should be less sensitive.
At this point, I introduced Nancy to the notion of the negative
thought process, or negative inner voice. I explained that
we all listen
to a critical thought process toward ourselves, which is
like an enemy within or alien point of view toward ourselves.
I noted that we
internalize this negative thought process when we are very
young as the result of our parents critical attitudes toward
us (see the link "
Counselling Approach" for more information about the
negative voice).
I then asked Nancy what thoughts she had toward herself
when she thought about her manager's comments. Nancy stated, "I'm
too sensitive.
I should be able to take correction better. I shouldn't be
making mistakes." I then asked Nancy if she would be
willing to engage in an
experiment that would likely be uncomfortable because it
was unfamiliar, but which could be helpful to her. When Nancy
agreed, I
suggested that she say these thoughts in the second person, "You",
as if someone else was addressing her. With my prompting,
Nancy
stated: "You're so sensitive. You don't take criticism
well. You shouldn't be making mistakes. You're lousy at you're
job. You're
pathetic." When I asked Nancy to repeat the last statement
in a louder voice, she did so and began to tear. When I enquired
about what
was happening for her inside, she stated, "I'm so hard
on myself. I'm sad about that." I then asked what emotional
tone this inner voice
had in her head, and she stated, "It's critical and
judgemental." When I asked her if this tone was familiar
to her, she nodded,
indicating that this tone reminded her of her mother's critical
attitude toward her. In the ensuing discussion, Nancy realized
that her
manager's comments had given ammunition to her own negative
voice that she had internalized toward herself as a child.
When I asked Nancy what it would be like to tell her manager
that she didn't like the critical comments and wanted them
to stop, she
indicated she was afraid she would embarrass herself and
make matters worse. When I suggested that she express these
thoughts in the 2nd
person format, she stated, "You'll make a fool of yourself
if you say anything. You'll make matters worse. You shouldn't
complain. Just
do your job and shut up." As Nancy reflected on this
experience, she realized that it was her own negative inner
voice that immobilized
her in the face of her manager's unwanted comments. With
the awareness that it was her own negative voice that blocked
her from "finding
her voice" and standing up for herself with her manager,
I suggested that she answer back to the voice from her own
healty point of view
about herself in the 1st person, "I". Nancy remarked, "I
can't feel any worse or more embarrassed than I do now. I've
been quiet for too
long."
When I explored what it was like to receive her manager's
critical comments passively, Nancy stated that she felt angry.
When I asked
how she felt about feeling angry, Nancy noted that she felt
uncomfortable with her anger. Further exploration indicated
that she had
grown up in a family where her parents had fought a lot,
yelling and screaming in a way that frighted her. She had
internalized that
anger was destructive and to be avoided.
Nancy was curious when I introduced a distinction between
primary anger, and reactive, secondary anger. I explained
that primary anger
is biologically adaptive anger, that helps us to stand up
for ourselves when we are feeling violated in some way. In
contrast, I
suggested that secondary anger is not adaptive, but rather
a reactive or defensive response that masks deeper feelings
such as sadness
and fear. I also suggested that expressing secondary anger
tends to pull hostility from other people. I indicated it
was important for
her to own her primary anger, and to use this anger-energy
to help her confront her manager in an assertive, responsible
way. Nancy
liked the idea that it was okay to feel angry about her manager's
comments, and to use her anger-energy to confront her manager
in a
responsible manner.
When Nancy enquired about what I meant by her confronting
her manager in a responsible way, I introduced the notion
of responsible
communication. I explained that we communicate more responsibly
when what we say is expressed as our own experience or perception
rather
than as the "truth" or objective reality. I then
gave her an example:
Less responsible statement: "You are criticizing me
in front of my colleagues and embarrassing me." More
responsible: "My experience of
how you correct me in front of colleagues is that I feel
criticized and embarrassed."
The former communication lacks responsibility because it
suggests that Nancy's perception or experience is objective
reality. This
statement also implies blame and is likely to evoke a defensive
response. The latter statement is more responsible because
Nancy owns
her experience as her own perception. This statement implies
that someone else in her position might have a different
response to the
manager's comments - such as feeling indifferent or even
neutral.
Having introduced responsible communication, I stressed
that Nancy was fully entitled to her experience of her manager.
If she felt not
only belittled and embarrassed but also angered by how her
manager addressed her, she was entitled fully to these feelings.
It was
important to "find her voice" and convery how she
felt to her manager directly.
The next step was to assist Nancy in preparing to confront
her manager. First, Nancy wrote out what she would like to
say to her manager
in the form of a responsible communication. She wrote: "What
you may not know, is that I feel criticized and embarrassed
when you point
out my mistakes in a way that I think others over hear. I
am happy to receive feedback about my performance, but would
like this done in
private. To repeat, I don't like how I perceive you are correcting
me in front of others, and want it to stop. If it doesn't,
I will
deal with it." Second, Nancy rehearsed this statement
using a two chair technique, in which she alternated between
stating her position
in one chair and answering back as she imagined her manager
might respond from the other chair, until she could say it
with confidence
in an assertive manner. As she did this, I encouraged her
to draw upon her healthy anger in order to speak with firm
conviction. Third,
I prepared Nancy for how to respond to the eventuality of
a less than favourable response from her manager. I suggested
that if her
manager did not take her seriously or tried to dismiss her
feelings, that she hold on to her own experience and what
she wanted. If she
did not get the response she wanted, at least she would feel
good about finding her voice. Finally, I used a guided visualization,
in
which Nancy, while in a relaxed state, visualized herself
confronting her manager successfully. This technique honed
her readiness to
confront her manager.
As it turned out, the manager did not respond favourably.
Nancy described how the manager had said, "You're too
sensitive. You need to
toughen up and learn to take criticism. I don't have time
to take you aside when I have to correct you." To this,
Nancy had replied, "I
may or may not be sensitive. I don't like how you are correcting
me in front of my colleagues. I want this to stop. If it
doesn't, I
will deal with it." Nancy left this meeting feeling
somewhat shaken by her manager's response, but her dominant
feeling was empowerment
because she had found her voice and held her position, which
was based on the validity of her own feelings and needs.Although
Nancy did not attain the resolution she had wanted to in
Step 1, more often than not a resolution is reached
at the completion
of Step 1. In this case, Step 1 was insufficient for a resolution,
and treatment progressed to Step 2 of the model.
Step 2: Involving
other resources in stopping the unwanted behavior. In this step, other resources are evaluated and involved
in stopping the unwanted behavior. These resources may be
inside the workplace
- such as human resources, union, and higher levels of management,
or outside the workplace - such as the Human Rights Commission
(in
cases of discrimination), Workers' Compensation Board, and
the legal community.
For a brief period after Nancy confronted her manager, she
noticed an improvement in the manager's behavior. The manager
took a "hands
off" approach to supervising her, which she liked. Soon,
however, the manager reverted to the old supervisory style.
Nancy confronted
the manager directly a second time, reiterating her original
message, but to no avail.
At my suggestion, Nancy started to document in detail each
of the incidents of unwanted behavior, citing specifics such
as dates,
places, what happened, and witnesses present. In keeping
this record, she attempted to be as descriptive as possible,
sticking closely
to "the facts" as she perceived them. Keeping this
record helped to validate Nancy's experience of her manager's
unwanted behavior.
Next, Nancy assessed the resources within her firm in terms
of which she thought would be the most helpful to her in
stopping the
harassment. Because there was no union, Nancy's only options
were human resources and upper management. Because she knew
that the
manager and and the manager's boss were friends, she decided
that her best option was to approach the human resources
officer.
In preparation for this meeting, she organized her documentation
and rehearsed her message using responsible communication
as she had
done previously. I suggested as before that she might not
get the response she wanted, and that it would be important
to validate
herself if this occurred.
The human resouces officer listened to her statement, which
included how the manager's behavior was affecting her motivation
and
performance adversely. The officer stated that he would get
back to her after consulting the manager. Several days later,
the officer
reported back to her. It was clear that the officer was siding
with and defending the manager. The officer indicated that
the manager
was just doing her job, and didn't have time to take her
aside whenever she needed to give her corrective feedback.
The officer thought
that she was over-reacting and too sensitive. Nancy responded
by reiterating that whether or not she was sensitive, she
didn't like how
the manager was talking to her in front of colleagues and
that she wanted this behavior to stop. At this point, the
officer looked at
his watch and stated that he had another meeting to go to.
Nancy felt disappointed but not crushed by this outcome.
On the one hand, not getting the response she wanted felt
like a "secondary
wounding", an injury compounding the original experience
of harassment. On the other hand, she felt proud of herself
because she had
again "found her voice" and held on to her experience
in the face of opposition.
Nancy was receptive to my suggestion to attend an anti-harassment/bullying
support group (see www.nobullyforme.org). Nancy found it
helpful to discover that she was not alone in facing harassment
in the workplace. She drew strength from the support she
both received
and gave to others.
It is likely that without the "holding environment" of
the anti-harassment support group and counselling, Nancy
would have felt
progressively more depressed and eventually taken a health
leave. This would have then placed her in a passive and dependent
position as
she looked to outside agencies - such as an insurance company
or the Workers' Compensation Board - for financial assistance.
Such
assistance may or may not have been forthcoming, and may
have involved delays. In Nancy's case however, she did not
go on a health
leave. Instead, she began to think about finding a healthier
workplace.
Step 3: Achieving resolution and moving on
Achieving resolution involves coming to an acceptance of
the experience of harassment. This requires a grieving process.
In situations
where the experience of harassment has been highly distressing,
this may require EMDR, a technique used for reprocessing
trauma.
Achieving resolution also involves adopting a healthy point
of view toward self and others. This enables people to move
on emotionally
and in some cases literally, by finding a healthier workplace.
In helping Nancy to achieve resolution, I encouraged her
to begin by grieving the lack of a positive outcome with
her employer. Given
how hard Nancy had worked to communicate responsibly, it
was a real disappointment that she had not received a positive
response from
her company. It was also a loss to be in the process of leaving
a job that she had liked.
I encouraged Nancy to feel her loss fully, and suggested
she write an "Open Letter" for her own benefit
to her company in which she
expressed all her feelings of sadness, anger, and fear. I
explained that the idea of such a letter is to sit down each
day, even if only
for a few minutes, and to write whatever thoughts and feelings
one has. This idea appealed to Nancy because she liked to
write.
Because Nancy had experienced ongoing validation of her
feelings in counselling, and felt positive about how she
had stood up for
herself, at this point she did not struggle to any extent
with a negative thought process toward herself. Generally,
when people
experience an unsatisfactory outcome regarding harassment,
this stirs up a strong negative thought process toward the
self in which
people blame themselves for the outcome (e.g., "If only
I'd conducted myself differently, I would have been believed").
The negative
thought process that Nancy "listened to" pertained
to feeling sorry for herself. Occasionally, she would think, "I
didn't deserve this
unwanted behavior. This shouldn't have happened to me. I'm
a good person." Although these thoughts were understandable,
I suggested it
was not in her best interest to listen to these voices. Rather,
I suggested that she separate these voices out and counter
with her
healthy point of view in the first person, "I",
focusing on the core cognition of being a "proud survivor" of
harassment. Nancy
countered by telling herself, "I know that bad things
happen to good people. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself.
I choose to see
myself as a proud survivor. I will not let this experience
limit me. I will live fully."
Nancy's greater struggle was with a negative thought process
toward others. She experienced strong negative thoughts,
particularly
toward her manager. She found herself thinking, "She's
a critical bitch. She wants to destroy me". Even though
there was some validity
to these thoughts, I suggested it was not in Nancy's best
interest to go with these thoughts. Rather, I suggested she
separate out these
thoughts in the second person, "You", and counter
from her healthy point of view in the first person, "I".
From her healthy point of
view Nancy said, "I don't like my manager. I think she
lacks the skills to be an effective manager." Countering
her voice attacks
against the manager and the human resources officer helped
Nancy to maintain a healthy attitude toward people in management
positions.
Had she not done this, she would have tended toward a cynical,
untrusting view of managers in general.
As Nancy felt more resolved emotionally, she focused more
energy on finding a new job. She was clear that she did not
want to be
associated with an organization that disrespected her feelings.
Had the organization been large enough, she would have considered
a
transfer, but this was not an option. Although she knew there
was no guarantee she would find a healthier workplace, this
was her
intent. She trusted her feelings during interviews, and ultimately
chose a position that paid a bit less but which felt like
a healthier
environment.
Conclusion
Harassment is a serious problem in the workplace. By confronting
the unwanted behavior in an assertive, responsible manner
(Step 1), by
involving other resources in stopping the unwanted behavior
(Step 2), and by achieving resolution and moving on (Step
3), people may
experience themselves as "proud survivors" of harassment.
|
